[this was not written by me at all but by my roommate Lucas Marquardt]
Ode to the Pickle
It started, they say, well before Christ came.
2,400 B.C. is well enough.
There are two mentions in the Bible;
Aristotle, Caesar, and Napoleon agreed:
this was man’s food.
Cleopatra said it was woman’s, and said
her beauty was no accident.
Dill came in 900 A.D., and later Shakespeare
asked: “Oh, Hamlet, how camest thou in such a pickle?”
Thomas Jefferson said he liked to trawl the
“sparkling depths of the aromatic jar,”
and John Mason’s thick jars were an ode in themselves.
And Heinz 57?
Part of that lot is pickles, fuckers.
Today, the average person in the U.S. consumes 9 pounds of
pickles a year;
because the average person loves pickles.